Several years ago, my youngest child headed off to college, and I was left to contemplate the change in my life now that all three of my children were away at school. Right away, I noticed that the word “change” was like a prism with many sides, refracting life instead of light in multiple directions. The more I thought about “change” the more I realized I didn’t really understand what it meant. Oh, I got understood the kind of “change” that outside forces compress onto our lives. Time is an example. Time had grown up my children and changed them into adults who didn’t live at home any more. I hadn’t asked for that “change” or attempted to create it, but it arrived on its own, nonetheless. And I accepted it cheerfully and asked, “What’s next?”
But “what’s next” appeared to have more to do with me than the outside force of “change” that had created my empty nest. The change that time brought by giving me adults in place of children was not going to also bring a new goal and a new meaning into my life. I had to make that “change” happen myself. And that’s when I realized how many times I had set off on the road of “change,” and nothing happened. Why? I’m a very disciplined person. Multiple graduate degrees, and I run my own business. Surely I knew how to create “change” when I wanted to. But the truth was, I didn’t. The word “change” was an empty box I didn’t know how to fill up with meaning. So I began an experiment to understand the nature of the “change” that starts inside and eventually manifests in the outer world. Or at least is expected to manifest in the outer world.
I have studied clarinet most of my life, and I am always trying to be a better musician; so this looked like a fertile area to study the nature of “change.” I had long needed to make some “changes” in the position of my jaw, lips and teeth on the mouthpiece. In musical terms, my embouchure needed to “change.” So one day, I sat with the instrument and repositioned everything the way my teacher had been telling me to do for some time. The new way I was holding the mouthpiece in my mouth felt awkward and uncomfortable, but I was sure I’d have a fabulous, deep clarinet sound the moment I pushed air through this new set up. But I didn’t! In fact, I sounded the way I had on the very first day I had picked up the horn, too many years ago to count. So, automatically, I shifted back to the old embouchure, and then realized why I didn’t know what “change” was. “Change” involved sticking with discomfort. If I wanted to be a better player, I’d have to keep doing this new embouchure over and over until it became comfortable, and until it gave me the results I was seeking. If I didn’t want to get better, I could just stay with the old way and avoid “change.” And then I knew why I hadn’t really understood the meaning of “change” from within because as soon as a”change” I was trying to make became uncomfortable, I’d slip right back into the old way, often without even noticing. I had thought I was “changing” but I wasn’t.
Since that moment of enlightenment, I have put my theory of the meaning of “change” to lots of different tests. And sure enough, the moment I apply myself to a “change” I want to create, I immediately encounter the “Zone of Discomfort.” But now I’m prepared for it; and, if it is a “change” I really want to bring about, I stay in the zone until I’ve gotten my results, and I’ve created the “change” I wanted to create. Knowing that I need to prepare for the rocky start that “change” brings with it, helps me focus on getting the results I’m seeking. And it also helps me evaluate whether a proposed “change” is one I truly want to bring about. Sometimes I try new things and learn they are not for me. Going back to the old way is just fine. But functioning from my new understanding of how to cause change from within has enriched my journey and allowed me to put meaning into the empty box of that used to be the word “change.” More about the journey of change and setting new goals next time.